View Full Version : OT - Santa Humor

12-17-2004, 10:31 AM
An Announcement From Santa
> I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
> will no longer be able to serve Southern United States
> on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current
> population of the earth, my contract was re-negotiated
> by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now
> serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
> Wisconsin and Michigan.
> As part of the new and better contract I also get
> longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in
> mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be
> in good hands with your local replacement who happens
> to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the
> family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
> delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
> however, there are a few differences between us.
> Differences such as:
> 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your
> presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
> sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
> insured by Smith and Wesson."
> 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus ! prefers
> that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
> moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
> pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
> empty spit can handy.
> 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
> flying' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
> mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
> time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
> fireplace.
> 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
> Blitzen ..."when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
> hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
> Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
> 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
> 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
> sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
> back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it
> also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
> One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race
> through the letters and the other is a caricature of
> me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
> 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
> on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
> be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
> you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
> the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
> and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
> other.
> 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
> make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other
> way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
> He's got a butt crack from hell.
> 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung
> about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and
> Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
> year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the
> AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will
> be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox";
> Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman
> and a Six Pack", and Hank! Williams Jr.'s "If You
> Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."
> Sincerely Yours, Santa Clause
> (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

12-17-2004, 01:35 PM
Great one.... !!!! Gotta laugh hard and wear depends on that one!! hehe