What’s in a bag?
Ok, here is a little adventure I decided to take this morning. I am going to bring you along with me as it looks like it might be enjoyable to have company. And I may need some saving after I write this anyway!!! So be prepared to help me out here!! Especially any guys who read this!!! Got my back? I sure as hell hope so cause this may cause me to head for the hills or the witness protection program as soon as I share it with you. My wife may decide after reading this that I am better off dead!! I am kidding of course but I think this stuff is funny or at least I hope it is at the very least interesting.

So every morning she gets up and gets ready for work, ok not every morning, Monday through Friday. I mean there is a difference on Saturday and Sunday as this process doesn’t always occur and if it does it is often a modified version of the same song and dance. However, I know that so often us guys here the well I am doing it for you. Doing it for me? Really, then how come after you “do it” for me do you leave me? Not sure I understand that one really but I am a guy so what am I to understand anyways out of a woman’s mouth? Sounds like the peanuts talking most of the time to us guys. I know, that is going to get me in some trouble but you know what, it is the truth. I think we just try to catch a few words here or there and then guess on the rest if it is required that we more than grunt or say yes-no to something from women. So if I don’t get it right, do all of us men a favor, speak English ladies and not womanish!!! Can’t find a good book to help me learn that language. I mean who is going to explain it anyway? A guy? Well he doesn’t get it in the first place so he is just damn trying to make his own woman happy. A woman? Hell no!!! Even dumbed down womanish is just too complicated for us guys. Anyway, before I stray to far from the point of this little adventure it is time to move on.

I decided that I wanted to see what was in this bag that started everyday off in some form for my wife. If she was doing it for me then maybe I should take a little more interest in what she was doing to herself!!!

So first thing I grab is the bag!!! Holy cow!!! Think I might have pulled a muscle just moving this thing!!! I notice that the shower rod sighs as I lift this thing off of it!! Man, what the heck is in here? Now I am even more curious but grab some aspirin on my way to ease the pain. So all drugged up now I sit at the table…….

First item is…… drum roll please…. Oil-free eye make-up remover…. Sounds okay and smells okay. I think I might understand this stuff afterall. I read the back a little and come to “incase of eye irritation, discontinue use”. Well what the hell kind of product is this anyway. It is for near your eyes but may irritate your eyes. Okay only thing I use like that is something to clean the sink!! So what the hell you putting on your face girl!!! I think if it may irritate your eyes then maybe it should stay away from your eyes!!!

Next I grab this stuff and I call it stuff because I just am not sure what it is really. A little container about the size of my thumb and flat with two different colors in it. On the back it says “jungle” and Made in Italy. Are there jungles in Italy? I don’t think so but whatever. Is this stuff again for the eyes? If so I can see why we are talking some potent crap to take it off. Why would you put it on anyway? I look like the kind of guy who likes Jungle Jane?

In another pocket is a IPod Shuffle so I pop it on my ears and turn it on. Wow..wow..wow..what the hell is this stuff? Is it pump me up before I go-go to work or something? Off that thing goes as I think my brain is now tainted somehow by that little excursion. Also in that pouch were those goggles for the tanning booth. Why protect your eyes in there? Have you noticed the other stuff you use isn’t really protecting them? I mean you tell me sun block this and sun block that!!! Look what you are doing!! Sun I can pronounce, UV rays….. pretty simple but what the hell is ethyl ester of pvm/ma copolymer?

You play dumb but that stuff right there IS rocket science. I think you belong in NASA or something. I see another bottle here that says Aqua on it!! Hey, even I know that is water but it is womanish for good water I guess or something like that. I need the hair spray with aqua in it!! Ever read that can? Howly cow!! Flamable, no actually highly flammable. Hhhmm, where have I seen that before? Oh yes, on the lighter fluid for my grill!! But you put it in your hair!!! It even tells you to stay away from open flames!! Wow, see now you are right into chemistry and stuff. But if I want to play with chemical it is a no-no or I atleast have to wear those funny protector glasses. So I get the hair spray I guess but why do they make so many different levels? Soft hold, gentle, super, and never movin. I do not get it really…how about one..one level…. Isn’t hair spray to keep your hair in place? Okay..one level!!!

Okay I found something with some sunscreen in it. This stuff looks like a powder and is well, medium beige, is there a difference between all the beiges? Ask us guys and you will get a nice simple answer. NO!!! Beige is well beige girls. Bare Minerals….. with sunscreen….spf 15!! Wow, so you powder this stuff on your face and you get minerals? Plus sun screen and beige color. This is a miracle!!! But what is wrong with vitamins and minerals pills to do the job? How about some real sun screen? Beige…. Why? Is your skin beige? NO!! Another thing is you don’t need this stuff that likely costs more with sunscreen in it. Hey, oh powerful one, you work inside, at a desk!! Unless you have your very own sun lamp or something, you do not need the sunscreen. In fact skip this whole part altogether!!! Your skin color is just fine!!

Now a bag within a bag!!! A pink lace bag….. what good can come of looking in this? None but I am living on the edge today so I peer inside!! There are tools in here!!! A brush, a thing for your eyelashes that looks like something from a torture chamber. I am not sticking my face near that. You jump at scary movies but look at this crap. What do you have to fear on a tv!!! Now I see some lip liner…..why? Can I just ask why? Lips are lips are lips….. why color them..why try to make them bigger? There are things we want to see bigger and those ain’t them baby. What the hell is Dusty Pink? Who thinks of these names?

Okay… I pull out a little green bottle….Fructis Style…. Sounds yummie…. It even has fruit micro-waxes. Okay, so far I can live with this… as a friggin flavor enhancer or something!! Root booster….all day weightless volume!!! What? Huh!! Okay if you spray this in your hair it is going to add weight girls. It is not very often you add something but yet end up with less weight. So is this just the beginning? Is there a weightless food on the way? So this provides all this extra volume and hold without build-up? Okay, again it says you are spraying waxes into your hair…. No build up…hhmmm… where does the wax go? It builds up somewhere!!!

Okay some nice looking tubes here… ultimate mascara (apparently the regular isn’t good enough for the princess), medium coverage foundation (why medium, if you want to cover something cover it or don’t, half ass medium), firming eye gel (I don’t even want to know..friggin alien!!), age fighting moisturizer with sunscreen (omg…look it is going to happen..you are going to age… this stuff will not stop it..really…. honestly…so stop wasting your money on it), something called night solutions (uhm, you use this either before you go to work or at the gym, so do you know what night means?), and finally a hair pick plus a hair twisty twirly thing.

I really just don’t get it until I see the mirror….. then I just know you girls are crazy. This thing would fit in the palm of my hand!!! So if this is good enough why oh why do I have to have mirrors as wall replacements for you to use? This here can’t be good enough!!! You just make no sense.

So putting everything back now…..so much stuff and I didn’t even pull out the two soaps, shampoo, deodorant, and more make-up remover!!

Okay, one last little bottle here… hhhmmm……nice blue color to the liquid inside..see I am sensitive!! Finishing Oil…. That has just got to be something for my damn car. Maybe rub it on instead of Armour All or something? Nope..finishing oil is for after hair removal boys!!! That is just too funny…. I think we call it aftershave….. I wonder if yours stings like crazy or if it was you who made ours so it would sting!!

So that is my little adventure for the morning. Now I need to go workout to feel manly again!!! So off to the gym, if you do not hear from me for days…. I guess I didn’t get away in time.